My husband and I have been married for 7 months. We had a beautiful ceremony on the white sandy beaches of New Jersey on a clear summer day. My daughter stood next to me along with my husband’s 4 children and the 7 of us stood in a circle and made promises and statements of commitment as we blended families.
My daughter and I had everything moved in before we left for our trip so that when we returned as one family, we would immediately live as one family. My husband is successful. He is the smartest man I know and the most driven. This success allowed us to build an additional bedroom and bathroom for my daughter so no one has to share rooms. We worked hard at preparing the room for her. We worked hard at making each and every one of the kids feel special and important. We attended counseling session before and after the wedding, trying to work hard against the statistics on second marriages. With all of this effort and diligence, you would think we must have been successful, right?
Wrong.
These past 7 months have been a struggle. The love that my husband and I share is immeasurable. That didn’t stop or help the power struggle that has endured all of these months since we married. Our commitment to each other and our family is infinite. That didn’t help his recurring fear of me leaving, and it didn’t help my recurring threat to leave when things got hard. We both brought an enormous amount of baggage into this relationship. We both brought an enormous amount of fear and pain. There is no lack of love. There is no lack of attention. There is no lack of commitment or effort or willingness. It is only our fear and pain from our past that haunts us. I know this to be true because I study psychology and my strong connection to God. However, when we struggle, and in the middle of those arguments, I could swear he is my worst nightmare and means me harm. Neither one of us are perfect. When his fear and pain kick in, he can be the biggest *%$#@* I’ve ever met (and I’ve of course told him so). When I understand where his fear comes from and take the time to understand his pain, I can see past what’s happening on the outside of him and understand what’s happening on the inside.
Sounds fairly simple and not nearly as messy as it actually is and has been. The truth is, it’s been messy, ugly, complex, and painful. The reason we are on the other side of it is solely due to the understanding for each other and, therefore, gaining empathy for each other. We would not have been able to achieve true understanding without the help of a skilled therapist (actually several therapists). I don’t know for sure if we are “out of the woods” quite yet, and I will admit that our struggles together have had a negative impact on our kids, but one thing I do know is that he and I will continue working hard to make it as right as we can get it because getting it right means healing for both of us as individuals; a lifetime of love together; and an example and impact on our children that could potentially improve each of their lives immensely.