My heart is pounding at a rapid rate, it’s as if someone is sitting on my chest, restricting my ability to take a deep breath. My stomach is churning as though someone is reaching in at the top of my ribcage and continuing to open and close their fist. My shoulders feel like someone is squeezing them way too hard. I feel a mixture of homesickness and terror. My defense mechanisms take over and I feel emotionally shut down and numb and everything in me feels compelled to run. This is my pain. It normally sits somewhat dormant between my shoulders and my stomach; however, this pain that sits inside of me can be triggered. The source of my pain is unexpectedly not the man standing in front of me shaming and harassing me. Most people truly believe it is the person standing in their lives, usually their spouse, that is directly causing their pain. My pain has been there since I was a child. It’s my brain that activates my fear and subsequent pain. It is within my unconscious that I have stored the source of the pain and only a handful of people that are in my life can actually trigger it. My husband is one, but why blame him for doing exactly what I recruiting him to do. We recruit our spouse to replay our childhood wounds until we actually heal from them.
We all have a surprising amount of emotional trauma hidden deep within our unconscious. We have all developed ways to function in our lives by keeping the pain at bay. However, in order to heal something you have to confront it. You have to invite it up into your conscious awareness. Focusing intently on the feelings that we have helps us consciously get to the core or root of the wound. Emotional wounds needs to be traced back to our core beliefs about ourselves and the world around us. We need to become conscious of what our belief is, why it’s there and gain insight into how it is running amuck throughout every aspect of our lives.
Conducting this investigation into myself, I have found that my core belief is that I am not a good person. Most people will find that there is shame at their core or a belief that they are unworthy or a “bad” person. I know why it’s there. I know that my parents didn’t intend to put it there; nevertheless, I understand it’s origin and how it has run amuck throughout my life until now.
As I became more conscious and aware of my false core beliefs about myself, I have been able to experience the reality of my goodness. A change in consciousness occurs through this process allowing us to see the truth. We start to see that our core belief of being “bad” or unworthy was just a misunderstanding that grew out of an untrue thought that we believed as a result of the things that have happened in childhood and adolescence.
It takes courage to turn inward and get investigatively honest about what you are really feeling and acknowledge your emotional pain. It takes diligence to quiet the false core belief system you’ve adapted into your unconscious and provide yourself instead with love and healing.