I hereby, from this day forth, give you the authority to be authentic.
Oftentimes, in relationships, your counterpart sees a side of you that no one else does. In the beginning, they think you are the bomb, they think you can do no wrong, a dream come true. Over time, however, that can start to shift and you may find that you’ve somehow wound up with someone who possesses the worst qualities in your parents from your childhood. They also come to the realization that you possess the worst qualities from their childhood. You are now being portrayed by your spouse as someone you aren’t. You are no longer the best thing that ever happened to them and instead you are accused, judged, belittled, not good enough, unworthy, unlovable, or resented. You start to build your own resentment because you feel mistreated, unsafe, or taken advantage of. You may find yourself hiding things from your spouse, lying or putting on a show in an attempt to control their perception of you. You may feel lost in trying to please them or frustrated from your lack of control over them. And the longer you either attempt to alter yourself to meet their approval or alter them in an attempt to change them, the more you sink into a hole and lose yourself along the way.
Many of us feel wronged by our spouse due to the fact that we subconsciously seek out love in those who will hurt us the same way our parents did. Most of us feel wronged because we take our spouses words and actions personally. When your spouse attacks you or hurts you in some way, it is not because of you, it is because of the wounds of their childhood.
We are going to replay and reenact our pain again and again throughout life. If you want to change the outcome you have understand the truth of who you are, why you need to replay your pain and be able to identify when you are reacting to it and blaming your spouse for it.
You are not your spouse’s mom or dad, you are not the one that hurt your spouse so deeply, the way only caretakers can when we are young, vulnerable and in development. You are not the person they portray you to be and if you can love and empathize with your spouse and understand why they are the way they are, you’ll see that they are not the person you likely portray them to be.
Being authentic requires knowing who you are and who you are not. It’s believing that wherever you are in your life and in your recovery is okay. You accept and know your flaws, limits and boundaries. When you know and believe these truths about yourself, other people’s issues can no longer be projected onto you. When you become okay with yourself and where you are, shame cannot overcome you or make you feel worthless for having flaws. Own who you are, both the good and the bad. Work on knowing your truth, increasing your insight and working on your recovery to good mental and emotional health.
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