I am not your average therapist.
Most of you can walk into a therapist’s office, tell them your story about how your boyfriend or girlfriend mistreats you, cheats on you, calls you names, puts you down, ignores you, works too much, or nags you, and the therapist will ultimately confirm your victim mentality, give you sympathy and conduct sessions with the goal of improving your self-esteem so you can be strong enough to leave your situation. Victim mentality is reinforced by almost everyone in your life. When bad things occur within your relationship, you tend to go to your friends and family for support. They in turn, tell you how wronged you have been and why you shouldn’t put up with such behaviors from your partner. They tell you that you deserve better, that you can get something better. They reinforce the notion that you are a victim of this relationship and of this other individual, making the other individual the offender or the bad guy. If you just simply get away from this person, your life will be so much better. I’m sorry to be the one to tell you this, but that is as far from the truth as it gets.
I’m not suggesting there are NEVER any victims in life. Criminals victimize people every day. Random and unspeakable acts of violence occur all of the time and people become deeply traumatized and wounded as a result. This is not what transpires within your relationship, however. Our internal wounds are cultivated as children as we are under development. These wounds sit inside of us for our entire lives. We are attracted to people, as adults, based on reopening and replaying these deeply embedded wounds. We subconsciously seek out and find people to love that will love us in the same manner that our wounds were first created. Maybe you had a mother that was emotionally incapable of providing real connection, maybe you had a father that worked a lot and was never around, and maybe you had a critical parent or a parent with high anxiety or rage. There are a number of issues that we all have that get transposed onto our children.
I’m here to tell you that you have just as many issues as your partner does. You are not a victim any more than they are. We are all walking around with these wounds and when we love, we fear that these wounds are going to be ripped open – and they are. When they are ripped open, you look at who is in front of you, who caused this, and you see your partner – so it must be their fault – they are the narcissist, or they are the sociopath, or they are the abuser that has victimized you. This simply isn’t true. Your wounds were created before you ever met them. You brought them into your relationship and recruited them to rip them open. When you start to realize the truth, you can actually overcome your fear and heal your wounds. There is no bad guy to run from that will make your life all better. You are not a victim and your partner is just as wounded as you are.
This is a higher level of thinking that frees you from your pain. Call or email me to set up an appointment to change your perspective and change your life.
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